Letting Go

I am in California this week to attend my mother's funeral.  There is enough negative and sad in the world that I normally only post positive, happy blogs, but today I hope you'll bear with me as I get some of my thoughts written down here.

(Marilyn Anderson, about 1999.  She loved her garden!)

I think I've been fortunate in that I've had very few final farewells to say in my life so far.  But in a strange way, this has made these last few months even more difficult.  How should I say goodbye, what should I expect and what exactly do I say?!

My mother's been ill for a long time and in recent months we moved her into an assisted living facility, then the hospital and a few days ago, hospice.  We wanted a perfect ending for her ~ the most comfortable place, no pain, surrounded by her husband and children, words of comfort, a beautiful goodbye.  We made the most of the situation and did the best we could to let go.

I live in Florida and my mother in California.  Much of what I experienced was long distance, over the phone.  A lot of it was experienced through my sister (the absolute best sister in the world; she lives in CA too) Pamela; we've been talking on the phone for probably two hours every night for months and months.  Our phone calls have been full of information swapping, worry, regret and sadness, but most importantly, they've been therapeutic in that we were beginning our goodbyes and buoying each other through all of the difficult decisions and ultimately, the inevitable.

I am incredibly greatful for my mother's care takers ~ at the hospital, in her assisted living facility, and at hospice.  Every one of these people was amazingly kind and gentle to our mother and my sister and me.  They patiently answered our questions and explained what was happening.  The hospice people were especially helpful in explaining our mother's unusual behavior.  Turns out, her behavior was very common.  Aggitation (she didn't seem able to get comfortable), confusion (she kept seeming to forget where she was) and excessive sleeping is very common among people who are near death.  And the most unsettling behavior was our mother talking about going on a trip and speaking of our grandmother.  Unsettling to me because I knew my mother was leaving this life soon and at the same time, comforting.  Although I didn't "see" all of this, I knew it as Pamela described it to me and I also experienced it in my father's last days (I was at his bedside the last three days of his life).  It made me feel like there was someone waiting for my parents, to show them the way.

(One of my favorite pictures of my mother ~ like a movie star.  She and her friends were hanging out in the oil fields of Bakersfield.  I think she was about 17 here.)

The doctors told us that although they didn't know for sure, they believed our mother had two days to two weeks.  Hospice talked us through what to expect and suggested that if we hadn't already, we soon wrap up anything unsaid.  They suggested we listen very carefully to what our mother was saying and follow her lead.  When she began to talk about her trip, we said it was OK for her to leave and that we would be alright without her.  We repeatedly reminded her that we loved her.  I told her that God was keeping her and us in his care.

With hospice's advice, I felt comfortable letting go of my fear and anxiety so that I could let her go.  Wow, this really brought me new insight into my own capacity for love and caring.  It intensified my already incredible bond with my sister, and brought me a whole new level of respect for the medical and hospice staff.

My mother was a gift.  Her death was a gift too.  She's free of pain.  And I found a deep grace, patience and charity I didn't know I had.  I am terribly sad but at the same time I will be OK.  I found this quote and it feels perfect right now:

"Man's feelings are always purest and most glowing in the hour of meeting and of farewell."  ~Jean Paul Richter

(My favorite picture of us kids with our mother.  My brother Donnie.  Pam's in the front.)

I promise to get back to my regularly scheduled blogging of fun and happiness on Thursday!  Retro Rita's got a new interview for you and a WONDERFUL August blog giveaway!